BULLETIN: On last night’s CNN News Republicans were overheard demanding an apology from Democrats who they claimed slandered our pathetic president. Methinks they are a wee bit confused as to just who needs to apologize to whom. Puggies, just keep talking loud enough and maybe someone will someday believe you.
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On the first day of Michael B. Mukasey’s testimony at his confirmation hearings in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee it seemed for awhile there that our erstwhile President Shrub (thanks for that name Molly Ivins, we miss you) had managed to appoint a non political human being to replace that torture justifying lackey who resigned a month or so ago. At least the first report of the Senate confirmation hearings gave us a tiny glimmer of hope.
However that glimmer of hope has dimmed somewhat under continued questioning. By Thursday the AG designate was beginning to embrace certain Shrub positions such as the president can ignore surveillance statutes in wartime, and Mukasey avoided classifying simulated drowning as torture. The panel's chairman, Sen. Patrick J. Leahy (D-Vt.), who had heaped praise on the former judge's qualifications and testimony on Wednesday, told him that, "on a number of your answers yesterday, there was a very bright line on the questions of torture and the ability of the executive or inability of an executive to ignore the law. That seems nowhere near as bright a line today." The full story may be found here: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wpdyn/content/article/2007/10/18/AR2007101801120.html?hpid=topnews (For a musical spoof of waterboarding see Harry Shearer’s song “Waterboarding U.S.A.” below)
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A strange thing happened to cable subscribers in the Houston area earlier this year. Through absolutely no action on the part of we subscribers Time Warner Cable morphed into Comcast before our very eyes. All three of the services I subscribe to, cable television, internet access, and the telephone turned into this 90 lb. gorilla named Comcast whose main talent seemed to be in its ability to create obnoxious commercials touting its services. But what about its service? Their customer service kept one customer, Mona “The Hammer” Shaw waiting just a wee bit too long. Signing up for three tier service, the technician failed to show up at her h0use the first time. Upon complaining, they sent another service person who left the job half done (no phone). She and her husband went to the local Comcast office in Manassas and asked to speak with the manager. The clerk directed her to a seat outdoors, where the summer temperature was soaring. Two hours passed and the clerk poked her head out the door and informed her that the manager had left for the day, and thanked her for coming. Monday morning Ms Shaw grabbed her claw hammer and told her husband, "C'mon, honey, we're going to Comcast." From the Washington Post story: “Hammer time: Shaw storms in the company's office. BAM! She whacks the keyboard of the customer service rep. BAM! Down goes the monitor. BAM! She totals the telephone. People scatter, scream, cops show up and what does she do? POW! A parting shot to the phone!” And there you have it, a new hero in this age of customer service out sourced to India and companies otherwise ignoring its customers needs. This story in its hilarious entirety is lurking here: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wpdyn/content/article/2007/10/17/AR2007101702359.html?hpid=artslot
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I am always amazed at how the country has changed as the years (make that eons) have drifted by. When I was a kid the neighborhood I grew up in was completely unregulated. Our backyard was a homegrown junk yard, with a dead Model T Ford, and an unbelievable amount of other litter covering up it’s grass. I had innumerable pets, including a spitz dog which we had to keep chained as it had a tendency to bite our neighbors (he even bit me one night when I made a playful attempt to take back his bowl as he was eating – no sense of humor, that dog), and a rooster and two hens. One of the hens laid eggs, the other did not, I never understood why that was so. The rooster was a cantankerous old feather duster, and one day I got furious with him and threw a bicycle siren at him, which sailed through the air singing its eerie song before finally striking the squawking, outraged rooster in the chest. He shrieked, jumped up and down, and even threatened to charge me, but fortunately he changed his mind and slitted off to his home in the garage and to the comfort of his two hens.
At one point I was given two ducks, a male and a female, which were allowed to roam the neighborhood freely as we had no fence in our yard. They were little tikes when first I got them, and I got to watch them grow into adult duckhood. One day after they had reached maturity they simply disappeared, and it was later that we found out they had been detained and eaten by one of our neighbors. A neighbor who must have known they were pets, but who obviously didn’t give a damn.
People had all kinds of unusual pets in those days. Two full grown geese chased and attacked my aunt Offie one day as she disembarked from the Mandell Trolley Car. Geese are nasty animals, and they gave my poor aunt fits, though she did manage to make it home with no more than a pinch or two on her rump. We never saw the geese again, and so I guess they ended up in someone’s Thanksgiving cooker. Our neighbors to the west had a baby armadillo, if you think adult armadillos are cute check out a baby, and my friend on the next street had a young cheetah, a barely pubescent animal who used to get real excited whenever his older sister was having her menses in his vicinity. A man on the corner vacant lot across from Woodrow Wilson school had a cow which he kept chained there and he would milk the cow once a day. As a kid I even had pet chameleons which I fed flies which were dead, of course, but which I would fool the chameleons into eating by sticking them on the end of a pin pretending to make them fly. Kids today are lucky if they have a dog or a cat. All in all, the Fairview street neighborhood I lived in back in those days looked like a cross between a junkyard and the Animal Channel.
Today my Houston neighborhood is a wee bit antiseptic, a neighborhood which allows no tradesmen nor stores within its boundary, in fact there’s nothing within walking distance other than a well manicured park with a swimming pool for those sweltering summer months. If you have no car you are S.O.L. And these days neighborhoods are watched over by eagle-eyed associations, organizations dedicated to keeping their neighborhood neat and its property values high. That is not all bad, but they can be a bit nazi-like at times. A few years back one neighborhood association in Houston auctioned off the house of a resident who was old and ill, and hadn’t paid her neighborhood association dues quite as promptly as they would have liked. The head of that association was a lawyer, and he thought like one. The association sold the lady’s six figure house out from under her for a pittance. When the newspapers got hold of the story the entire city was outraged, even the home owning members of that very Association were ashamed. The issue went to court and the Association ended up having to buy back the lady’s house at a figure many times what they had sold it to the man for, so that they could return it to the lady they had wronged.
I take note of this, because I thought perhaps you might be interested in learning how my experience with my own neighborhood association turned out. I wrote of it two weeks ago, reprinting the association’s letter to me, and my reply to it explaining why the remains of our brick mailbox was cluttering up the neighborhood. I am happy now to report that the wrecked brick mailbox has been broken up by sledge hammer, and much of it was put into a garbage can, and picked up at Friday’s garbage pickup.
And our resident who builds brick mailboxes built us a brand new regal looking mailbox, this one constructed of white bricks. I’m sure it is no more automobile proof than the other one was, however hopefully our neighbor from across the street has learned better than to leave his vehicle unattended when it is in neutral with the motor running. May our new mailbox last through out the ages. The lady at our association wrote me the following letter:
Dear Mr. Badeaux,
Thank you for your letter and for taking the time to communicate with us.
Your association will not continue sending you letters to repair or replace the mailbox provided it’s completed in a reasonable amount of time.
Again, thank you for your most enjoyable letter, what a refreshing response.
Association Management, Inc.
Postscript: The last of the bricks should see the light of the dump by next Friday’s garbage pickup, and as per usual all’s well that ends well.
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I don’t concur with the R.I.A.A. very often these days, as I think they are hopelessly poised to sound the death knell of the recording industry by their ill conceived persecution of the mostly young people who download their music from the web. The poor R.I.A.A., trying to picture itself as a David going against the Goliath of file sharers. Most of us see it the other way around. In their latest move they have turned their band of attorneys onto the newsgroups, bringing suit in federal court against usenet.com, an entity which dared boast in its advertising of having thousands of MP3 files there for the taking. And the newsgroups, unlike I.S.P.’s, keep no records the association could subpoena to track down violators.
Well, don’t you just know that that was enough to trip the salivary glands of the R.I.A.A. legal eagles into full drip mode. Obviously the R.I.A.A.’s spirits were buoyed by their recent crushing defeat of 30 year old Jammie Thomas who was prosecuted and lost in a recent court trial, Capitol Records vs. Thomas, so now let’s go after the newsgroups. Justice may be asleep in this country (along with a sense of decency and reason) but that road to the perdition that the R.I.A.A.’s president Cary Sherman is leading the R.I.A.A. down may well seal it’s doom once and for all. Finally leading that greedy bunch of clowns that pass themselves off as record company executives out to their final pasture. At least we can so dream, and pray for Ms. Thomas’ future exoneration in the Appeals Court, or at least for a sane, reasonable reduction of the amount of her fine. And if you hadn’t already thought of it I would suggest that everybody reading this take a moratorium on buying commercial cds. If you do this be sure to let your record dealer know why you’re doing it, let them know the R.I.A.A. is the reason for your action. If enough people would do this it might send those clowns back to the circus where they belong.
Just in time to welcome many students back from fall break, the Recording Industry Association of America on Thursday dispatched a new round of "prelitigation" letters to 19 U.S. universities from coast to coast, alleging that campus networks are being used to commit copyright infringement. For those keeping score at home, this marks the ninth time the RIAA has launched such an initiative. As usual, each of the 411 letters reveals that a student or employee of the school is about to be sued for copyright infringement. The letters also offer the opportunity for those targeted to settle out of court at a "discounted rate," touting a special Web site that allows targets to settle their claims online. More of this outrage at: http://www.news.com/8301-10784_3-9799840-7.html
However as I said before there was one decision recently that I can totally agree with the R.I.A.A. on. And that was the Grammy’s decision to give the Dixie Chicks, that extraordinary group of musician–performers, a win in the 2007 Grammys. Wikipedia: “At the 49th Grammy Awards Show in 2007, 'the Chicks' - as they are informally known - won all five categories for which they were nominated, including the coveted Song of the Year, Record of the Year, and Album of the Year, in a vote that Maines interpreted as being a show of public support for their advocacy of free speech.”
I have many reasons to treasure the memory of my late sister, Mary McCormick, who was eight years younger than I and who sadly died of breast cancer a while back. Among the minor things she did was to introduce me to the music of The Dixie Chicks. From Wikipedia: “The Dixie Chicks are a country/rock music trio from the United States comprising Emily Robison, Martie Maguire and Natalie Maines. They are the highest-selling female band in any musical genre, having sold 36 million albums as of June 2006.”
I have to admit I hadn’t paid much attention to the group, I thought their name a bit sexist. But Mary played their song “Top of the World” for me which was not only a favorite of hers, but also a favorite of her lovely granddaughter, Emma Nix. I will also admit to having first truly taken an appreciative notice of the group after I read of lead singer Natalie Maines’ comments at a show in England a few days before our Mighty Texas Shrub started his war in Iraq. She expressed regret that the man perpetrating this mischief was a fellow Texan. From Wikipedia: “It was nine days before the ill fated invasion of Iraq. Lead vocalist Natalie Maines publicly criticized U.S. President George W. Bush. The ensuing controversy cost the group half of their concert audience attendance in the United States as chronicled in the 2006 documentary Dixie Chicks: Shut Up and Sing.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dixie_Chicks will probably tell you more than you ever wanted to know about the Chicks, but the page makes for fascinating reading. And it is loaded with visual eye candy also as it reproduces the famous Entertainment Weekly magazine cover where the three posed nude, strategically covering their more functional parts, and with slogans such as "Traitors," "Saddam's Angels," "Dixie Sluts", "Proud Americans," "Hero," "Free Speech", and "Brave" printed on their bodies. Even our most Exalted Shrub was quoted on the Wikipedia page with his opinion of the Chicks.
In an interview with Tom Brokaw, our fearless, do-no-wrong leader said, “The Dixie Chicks are free to speak their mind. They can say what they want to say ... They shouldn't have their feelings hurt just because some people don't want to buy their records when they speak out ... Freedom is a two-way street ... I don't really care what the Dixie Chicks said. I want to do what I think is right for the American people, and if some singers or Hollywood stars feel like speaking out, that's fine. That's the great thing about America. It stands in stark contrast to Iraq ...” Ole Shrubbie certainly told it like it is when he remarked, “I don’t really care what the Dixie Chicks said . . .” You can make that read any American who doesn’t dance toe to toe with him. To some of us the great thing about being an American used to be celebrating those many worthwhile qualities our country used to stand for, like freedom, the right to privacy, helping the less fortunate, etc., before our exalted leader decided to trash the Geneva Conventions and make a mockery of the Common Rules of Privacy and Decency. Our president calls himself a compassionate conservative. It makes one wonder what an uncompassionate conservative would be like.
“In the May 29 issue of Time, Maguire said, "I'd rather have a smaller following of really cool people who get it, who will grow with us as we grow and are fans for life, than people that have us in their five-disc changer with Reba McEntire and Toby Keith. We don't want those kinds of fans. They limit what you can do." Maines also retracted her earlier apology to Bush, stating, "I apologized for disrespecting the office of the President, but I don't feel that way anymore. I don't feel he is owed any respect whatsoever." Hooray for Ms. Maines.
Looking back on it, it’s a shame that back when he was in school His Royal Shrubbiness evidently slept his way through all of those history and civics classes which might have taught him a thing or two about real American values. And I’m sorry to say I still haven’t heard a word from Kellogg Brown & Root concerning my suggestion last week about building an American style “Tiger Cage” for a White House full of losers. I wonder if I should keep my hopes up? I guess not.
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Harry Shearer remains one of satire’s most prodigious creators. He has been around like forever, I read somewhere that he appeared on Jack Benny’s show at age six. His grownup accomplishments include the incomparable Firesign Theater, and appearances in Rob Reiner’s film “This is Spinal Tap,” and the Christopher Guest film “A Mighty Wind.” And he has been voicing several key character voices in television’s longest running cartoon show, The Simpsons. His columns may be found on the Huffington Post blog at: site:http://www.huffingtonpost.com/harry-shearer/whatever-it-takes-take_b_68760.html
But more to the point are his biting satires on mydamnchannel.com His first was a delightful spoof of our erstwhile vice president sitting his bulk on a grand piano in Club Undisclosed and sing songing a ditty about his ex-chief of staff, Scooter Libby, skating past the pokey. At one point the singer must be revived by Intrapericardial assist, and the song ends with the vice president putting out a lighted cigarette on the piano player’s right hand, thereby giving us a look into the true source of this administration’s power. http://www.mydamnchannel.com/channel.aspx?episode=47
There are other lovely Shearer moments, but I want to go into two which also rank high on my list of this life’s delightful absurdities. One features an aged Elvis sitting on a solid gold commode with a refrigerator full of prescription drugs and plates of high cholesterol food and drink in front of him. The song is called “All Backed Up”, it is hilarious, and it is here: http://www.mydamnchannel.com/channel.aspx?episode=119.
Last but certainly ranking right up there is Harry Shearer’s parody of the Beach Boys as he spoofs our present administration’s penchant for torture. The song is called “Waterboarding USA”. If Saturday Night Live was truly the satirical gem it once was it would have Shearer as its host, and the song “Waterboarding USA” would be a high point of the evening. However until that day comes you can always go here to listen to it and once here you can either laugh, cry or hang your head in shame. What you do is up to you: http://www.mydamnchannel.com/channel.aspx?episode=163
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Below I reprint the first two paragraphs of my latest story which was posted Thursday on storiesonline. It is called Growing Up:
“My name is Charlie McClintock. I'm in my eighties, an age which I don't recommend very highly, although try as I might I have yet to find a suitable alternative? It's no damn fun being old, and so if anybody out there figures a way around it please let me know. Of course there’s always the ultimate escape, the alternative of leaving this life altogether. But on further consideration I’ve decided that's no damn good either, there are just too many unknowns connected with death. Including forever.
One of the worst things about being old are those little body parts which no longer work as intended. In my case it’s my prostate, that tiny strategically placed organ which for men everywhere is the one from whom all blessings flow. Several years ago I had what my urologist humorously referred to at the time as a “roto rooter,” which translates into a device entering my anal canal and “shaving” my poor defenseless little prostate. The procedure got my bladder back in working order, but gone were those blessed orgasms for which all of we males live. Now all I have left are memories.” And the story then goes on to share some of this fellow’s juicier memories with his readers. (“Growing Up,” http://storiesonline.net/auth/Uncle_Pan)
Sounds just like a little Eddy rant, don’t it? There, I did it. I just gave my secret away. I revealed the real reason I love to write erotic stories. When you can’t get yourself off any more, try getting the rest of the world off. It worked for Giacomo Casanova, maybe it’ll work for little Eddy. A funny thing happened to Americans on the way to gaining educated prosperity. The Grinch who stole Christmas also managed to label sex as dirty. Bad for our Moral and Physical health! And probably Fattening to Boot! Imagine? Sex, that scrumptious combination of nerves, chemicals, and creativity, that delightful coupling which creates life and makes the world go round and life worth living, is branded by some of our so-called moral leaders as being dirty. Unfit for human consumption except under certain controlled circumstances, and then only for the high purpose of procreation.
Why would they want to cast shame upon us, you might well ask? Well, the urge for the pleasure of sex is one of our most basic urges. If they (meaning ministers and politicians) could succeed in making us feel guilty about those basic urgings, there’s no telling how much power they could get over us. The ones who would control our lives and behavior would probably be happiest if they could ban sex altogether. They have pretty well succeeded in criminalizing it under many circumstances. However, short of being able to ban it altogether they try to isolate it from normal behavior and drive it off into a corner by itself, behind closed doors and hiding behind a curtain of shame, where they can label it as bad (the new word for “sin”), and where it can be barricaded from the rest of life and from the bulk of humanity.
But it is a free country, isn’t it? Well, yes and no. It’s free unless you break any of society’s rules, and as we speak politician’s by the drove are secretly writing new laws to further restrict that famous freedom we hear so much about. You can do pretty much as you please in your own bedroom, right? Maybe, providing you don’t break any relevant laws, and nobody knows what goes on in there. But hold your poker hand close to your chest. Meddlers abound who would poke their noses into your business, and if you aren’t careful, send you to the pokey. Freedom is a wonderful concept, but it doesn’t mean a damn thing if you fail to exercise it. That’s another reason I love to write erotica. To exercise my constitutional right of freedom of speech.
Why did I choose to write erotica? Certainly not for the money. There isn’t any. mrdouble used to pay a small amount based on your downloads until Visa and MasterCard refused to continue processing his membership. His membership then dropped to a point where he could no longer afford to pay. However his authors kept right on contributing. The prime reason I write is because I get satifaction out of trying use words to create a world more like the one I grew up in. And more like the one I would like to live out my life now in if only I could get my damned prostate to work again. And of course a prime reason all of us write is for the feedback of our audience, the mail that is generated when you publish your stories. Below you can read some of the email my stories currently posted on storiesonline have generated.
(Matt and Rosie) Thanks for writing such a small yet a very beautiful story. I loved it...please...keep posting... Thank You
(Matt and Rosie) VERY erotic story....had me on the edge of my seat. I really love stories of older men and underage girls, and this one surely didn't disappoint. Thanks!
(Matt and Rosie) Very nicely written. What a pleasant fantasy. Thank you for the escape. Ralph
(Matt and Rosie) Beautiful story, not rough or abusive but gentle and loving. Little girls should be loved and slowly taught what a love relationship with an older and more caring man can be like and how pleasurable it can be. Keep up the great work Uncle Pan David
(It’s Just Not Fair!) God you should keep this story going or make another edition Richard
(It’s Just Not Fair!) yes it's not fair !!! you didn't have to stop there...you even got my wife all excited...thanks for that by the way... esteban
(It’s Just Not Fair!) way too much detail. Anonymous
(It’s Just Not Fair!) Dear Uncle Pan, just a note to tell you how much Bill and I enjoyed your story. Bill's first sexual experience was when he was 13 with a girl who was 10 and your story really hit so many of his "hot spots" I really enjoyed seeing him get aroused as we read together and then I got him to tell me about his early experience. We had such hot sex because of your story...please keep up the good work....Mollie (and Bill)
(Clicking Away) that was awesome...well done and tasteful...even though it the subject matter may not be for all...one could relate to almost any age group...the way you wrote that that is...we thanks you...esteban
(Ross’ Extended Family) This was a great story to read. i enjoyed it very much thank you for sharing it . i hope to see a part 2. thank you, blade
(Ross’ Extended Family) I enjoyed the story! I was very sorry it ended
when it did. there were so many areas it could have continued into. Maybe you could add some another day thank you Ron
(Naomi’s Lessons) just wonderful, more please!!! Anonymous
(Laurie’s Dalliance with Cousin Mike) This was a great story, and that last thing is true. Whenever an adult hears that a child liked having sex with an adult, they automatically think that they are 'delinquent' and need 'straightened out'. Personally, I loved having sex with other people, adults, teenagers, etc. when I was a child, and I have the same attitude towards it that this girl does, though not about the 'don't encourage them to have sex' thing. CK1
(Whose boobies are prettier?) Very enjoyable fantasy. Mr. D could only have lost if he had chosen. Steve
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And as someone more lucid than I once said, “what goes around, comes around.” And what has finally come around here is the end of this week’s post. Please join us again next week, same URL, for more.
The Real Little Eddy